Shikamaru's Quest For Love
by high improbability
Summary: Exactly what the title says. Shikamaru, bored and relationship-needing at last, tries his luck with ALL the Konoha 11, and you can just imagine how much of a disaster that would turn out to be...CRACKFIC


**A/N**: Yeah, remember how, on my profile a few months ago, I was complaining about the inspiration fairy being terrible to me, well, now she's giving me this terrible idea to work with. This is a totally weird idea my friend and I came up with, so she begged me to write it, and this horrible thing...is the finished product. Also, we decided to write about Shikamaru because, well, he's awesome like that. *basks in Shikamaru's awesomeness* Yeah. And we don't really delve into his thoughts that often, so...um, enjoy the next 1347 words of terrible writing and bisexuality =D **  


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Disclaimer**:** I own nothing.

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**Warnings**: Slight OoC. Okay, scratch that. Explicit OoC and Bi!Shika-kun. :((

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**I know I'm weird, but after facing all those troublesome women, I think being gay is the best thing to do. I mean, I REALLY need a relationship. I'm DESPERATE here!!!

Troublesome women. And just so I can show you how troublesome they are, I'm going to list all my past relationships...and how they ended. What a drag.

At first, I tried having a relationship with that hot Suna chick, Temari. It was okay at first, then I found out she had the hots for her younger brothers! Not just one, but _both_!!! OMG, LIEK, YAH!! INCEST, EW!!!

Then I tried out that complaining witch (with a _**B**_) Ino. I thought it would work out (yeah right) then I realized she treats me like crap.

Okay, I knew she would do that from the beginning, but I'm DESPERATE HERE!!

And _then_ it was that pink-haired brat, Sakura. She was nice and all, but _then_ she beat me up and broke up with me after I wouldn't carry her groceries… OR wash her dishes…OR fix her roof…OR fetch the paper…OR walk her home after our date…

What a drag.

I was really exasperated now, so I decided to have a go on that cute weapon-wielding lady Tenten. But after _that_ relationship I got out of the hospital after two months suffering from a _lot_ of injuries, so I decided no more weapon ladies for me…!

Then I had this one-time crush thing on that sexy heiress, Hinata. At first I thought she was adorable, but all that 'like factor' melted away when I felt Neji's kunai on my neck when I tried to kiss her…in public…

Okay, so she never liked me to begin with. I knew from the start that she likes that baka Naruto.

Now that I think about it, I think I should talk about my…*ahem* 'relationships' with the 'men' of Konoha…

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I started out with my best friend, Chouji. I bought him a ton of chips everyday…my poor wallet…and I also bothered to carry _all_ his groceries for him!! Do you _know_ how heavy that is? And the sad part was that he didn't even know that we were in a relationship in the first place!! Maybe I should have told him that bit before I asked Hokage-sama to give me the next fifteen years' worth of paychecks to pay for all his food… TT^TT

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So, I was going to borrow some cash from that filthy rich Uchiha, and _then_ I remembered his _six-pack!!!_ Because when I came over, he was like, topless, then… *drool*

I know, this is SO gay. But deal with it.

Well, either he was in a bad mood when he kicked me out of the house, or he didn't get the hint that I liked him after I tried to kiss him sixteen times in front of his girlfriend… *gulp*

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I was broke, loveless, and gay, not to mention running out of options, so I was walking the streets one day when I bumped into that old geezer's grandkid, Konohasomething or whatever his name is…and I thought he was _SOOOOO CUTE!_ And he had such _talent_ and so much _potential_ I thought I was going to keel over and die.

So I went over to him, and explained about gayness and that I was gay and that I liked him in the gay way. I guess I shouldn't have passionately closed my eyes while I explained everything 'cause the minute I opened them, he was _gone_. Snap. And when I looked around, everyone was staring at me with weird looks on their faces. Oh snap, snap, snap…

Well, _now_, I'm broke, loveless, gay, running out of options and now everyone thinks I'm pedo. Great.

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That sounds bad, but wait till you hear what happened next. Ya'see, I was training and crap when Lee came over and asked what was wrong and all that and that "I wasn't as youthful as I used to be" and all that. I was about to snap back at him that I was _only _ALWAYS depressed when I was stopped by his big round eyes. You don't know how _beautiful_ they looked shining through the sun's rays, but what I REALLY fell for was…never mind. I was about to tell him I thought he made me feel better, and how he thought about him, and me…together…y'know, that thing, when I had a _vision_ about us growing old together and all he was blabbing about 'springtime and youthfulness' during our bonding time.

Ew. Troublesome.

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So I left and was contemplating my future when I bumped into Neji. I was mesmerized by his long, graceful hair and thought about how it must feel like to run my fingers through it, and I looked up at him with my eyes full of love…and his were…not exactly loving. Apparently, he still hadn't forgotten about the 'incident' where I tried to kiss his cousin, so he started chasing me all around Konoha, hurling his kunai and shuriken and other stuff at me…(I wonder where he got that _troublesome_ sword)… guess that rules him out as one of my options, then, unless he changes his mind…

(Now that I think about it, though, I liked being chased by guys… :3… get it? XDDDDDDD)

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Okay, now things can't get any worse… I'm broke, loveless, supposedly gay, people think I'm pedo, and now Neji probably has the private Hyūga police after me. I thought life was terrible and then I saw that baka Naruto. Not-so-surprisingly, he hadn't heard anything about my whole 'gay' thing, so I saw this as my _chance_. I mean, I like him well enough; we _did_ almost flunk out together, so flunkies gotta stick together, right? So the plan was: I get _really _close to him, make him fall in love with me, and make _him_ admit that he likes me. (Geez, where'd all my brains go during this whole fiasco?) And we all live happily ever after, right?

Not.

'Cause when I went up to hi, slapped him on the back, smiled at him, and told him what a _great_ pal he was and how anybody would be _so _lucky to have him as a friend…I think I went a _little _overboard 'cause he looked at me like I was weird and asked me if I was okay. Then I told him that he made me feel so much better, but then I must have freaked him out because then he started running away from me screaming, "AAAAAH! SHIKAMARU'S TALKING A LOT!!! THE WORLD IS DOOOOOOMED!!!"

Oh, whatever. I don't think I could stand having a hyperactive boyfriend, anyway. Too troublesome.

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Then I was sitting in the forest being all emo and stuff when I met Shino. With all that bugs swarming around him, it felt like he was an untouchable angel!!! I was about to go over to him when I rememnbered something…I was allergic to bugs…seems impossible, think again. There _are_ people who are allergic to _cellphones _out there…

So, I realized that I had tried my luck with all the worthwhile young men in Konoha. But it _all_ changed one fateful day when I saw Kiba. And I felt my heart flutter…I came over to him, arms wide open, screaming, "KIBA!!!"

And he looked at me, and I could see the sweat forming on his brow. "You!" he sputtered. "What?"

"Can I ask you something?"

He blinked. "O…kay?"

I knelt down on one knee and asked him, "Will you marry me…"

…Akamaru?"

THE END

PS. So that's my life story: how I tried ALL of Konoha's shinobi just to find my _one true love_…and nearly got killed. A bunch of times. My life rocks~

PPS. Oh, and in case you're wondering how I managed to write all of this down, I didn't. In _fact_, I'm paying Kakashi-sensei to write it down for me…'cause, y'know, he's probably one of the only people in Konoha who wouldn't puke at this…

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**A/N**: DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *prepares to get stoned and flamed* ;.;

I hope you all don't murder me in my sleep for this terrible, terrible thing...

1. Just so you know, I adore Shikamaru...

2. ...and Shikamaru/Ino...and Shikamaru/Temari...

3. And I don't really think he's bisexual, okay???

4. And I DON'T think Temari's incestual. NO WAY. And I don't think Gaa-kun and Kanky-puu are, either...

5. Shikamaru does not fall in love with dogs, mkay? I just thought Akamaru would be funny.

SO DON'T MURDER ME... TT^TT

Reviews and criticism are appreciated, though!** ***hopeful*


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